In case you didn't get a copy, I have one here.


Dear Vol Faithful,

As you all know, I have been busy for the last few days. First, I had to go down to the cemetery to stop General Neyland who has been spinning in his grave since those nasty folks from Georgia were up here in his house. We had hoped that win over Memphis would slow him down, but the loss to Vanderbilt seems to have kicked him into overdrive.

Second, I spent a good deal of time in court recently. I wanted to be sure that them Bammer folks got all shook up and took the hits they was supposed to take. Related to this, the NCAA was so happy with my undercover work that they asked me to try to dig up some dirt on Saddam Hussein and Scooter Libby. I am sure you are all proud that both of them fellas lost their jobs, too.

Third, I have been pretty busy down at the Knox County Jail visiting recruits and players. These boys are just so full of energy that they was bound to get into a little trouble once in a while. I was still worn out from helping Jesse Mahelona wash all them fire trucks. (I told that boy if he had to hit a vehicle in the future that I sure hoped he hit one of them Krispy Kreme trucks. They'd be a lot more fun to wash.)

'Bout the time that all of that stuff passed over, I realized we was six games into the season and I hadn't changed quarterbacks but ten times. I know how much y'all like me changing the boys out on the field, but you do have to remember that we let Brent go last year, so we didn't have him around to put in the line up. I was afraid that with Noel Mazzone using as many QB's as he used down in Oxford, that some of you folks would leave us to be Rebel fans. That's why I fired Randy. I never was sure what he did anyway.

When I was talking to Randy before I fired him, he told me that he had been using the playbook that David Cutcliffe left behind a few years back. I didn't realize we even had a playbook, all I ever did during games was change quarterbacks from time to time and make sure that Jesse wasn't eyeing any of them trucks that carry the TV cameras around...I sure wouldn't want to be washing them this time next year. Anyway, Randy told me that he was using the same playbook, but over the years some of the little X's and O's had worn off, so he just took out them pages. Turns out that our playbook is now about the size of the bulletin at the First Baptist Church in Smyrna. And before you ask, I checked and it would appear that Randy scribbled a prayer or two in the margins over the last few years.

I started writing this to apologize to you folks, but I ain't really sure what I done wrong. I didn't do anything different this year than what I've been doing the last ten years. Okay, I ate a few more helpings of mashed potatoes during Thanksgiving, but they was good and I like them mashed potatoes. The boys that I bring to Knoxville ain't no worse than they've been, although I think they're a little stupider. In fact, I guess that's what I want to apologize for. Back in the day, we was bringing in boys who was every bit as bad as these fellas, but they was smart enough not to get caught.

So, I pledge to the Volunteer Nation that I will never again recruit a player who is so stupid that he gets caught breaking the law or fighting a fire truck. As a part of this pledge I also going to bring back David Cutcliffe, because he is still using the old playbook and we won't have to get a new one that way.

As a final note, during my undercover work with the NCAA last year, I stuck into Archie and Olivia's bedroom. Using a powerful sleeping gas and undercover of darkness, I extracted sperm and egg samples from them. These sperm and eggs have been used for invitro fertilization of twelve Volunteer Cheerleaders, guaranteeing an endless supply of Mannings for me and Coach Cutliffe.