Urban Meyer is named for a pope, so he was pretty much born to be a rule-maker.

Meyer displayed some of his renowned iron-fisted ways this week, suspending linebacker Brandon Spikes for an entire half against Vanderbilt after Spikes tried gouging the eyes of Georgia running back Washuan Ealey in last week’s game. (The suspension eventually was moved up to a full game at the insistence of Spikes, who did not want to become a distraction to the team).

Based on Meyer’s punishment, we couldn’t help but imagine how some historical situations might have played out if he was the one making the judgements.

Spanish Inquisition: “If any of you Jews and heretics know how to play ball, we’re willing to sweep this thing under the rug.”

Salem Witch Trials: “If one of you can put a curse on Nick Saban, no one is burning at the stake on my watch.”

Nuremberg Trials: “Time served plus 500 hours of community service at the local JCC should be a sufficient penalty.”

Charles Manson: Sentenced to work at a community center with children.

Al Capone: Conviction on income tax evasion overturned on account of all he’s done for the community, particularly ridding the city of several members of its criminal element.

O.J. Simpson Trial: “Of course the glove doesn’t fit! You still have a year of eligibility left, right?”

Jeffrey Dahmer: Three years probation.

Dennis Rodman after kicking a cameraman in the balls: “Have your agent type up an apology so you can start the next game.”

Todd Bertuzzi after mugging Steve Moore: “Just make sure you sit out the first period of our next game against the Maple Leafs.”


The Ligues (Scumbags White Sox fans who attacked Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa): “How do you guys look in pads in a helmet? Believe me, from the look of your heavily tattooed and possibly meth-addled bodies, Florida is the right state for you.”

LeGarrette Blount: Suspended for one play.


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