SEC Jokes

[Sabanocchio]

Feel free to post your own.

An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan were fighting side-by-side in World War II, and both were captured and sentenced to die by firing squad. The Tennessee man was stood up before the firing squad and the guard asked him if he had any last request. He thought for a second, then asked them to play Rocky Top one last time. From the side, the Alabama fan shouted out "Please! Shoot me first!!"



A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man.” The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”

[The Ramp]

not a joke, but i did get a sabanocchio sighting with his hoes

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i90/MT33/whosourbabyspoppazh0.jpg

[Sabanocchio]

I'm telling you, vaginas need to steer clear of my man juice. I've impregnated women just by checking them out before....:laugh:

[The Ramp]

I'm telling you, vaginas need to steer clear of my man juice. I've impregnated women just by checking them out before....:laugh:

that's why they call you "Lethal Seed"?

[Sabanocchio]

Usually they just call me to see if I mailed the child support check.

[Sabanocchio]

Q: What do you call a Auburn player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!



Q: What do Arkansas and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

[The Ramp]

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i90/MT33/miles-tressel-trinity-MDT.gif

[palmettocock]

Why did OJ Simpson drive his Ford Bronco towards Lexington,KY when he was being chased from the cops?

-He knew they'd never look for a Heisman winner there

[The Ramp]

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i90/MT33/deliverance-squeal_nick.gif

[D^3]

How do you make a gamecock fan stop masturbating?


Paint his dick red and black... cuz you know he'll never beat that!




^ old. I know.

[Sabanocchio]

One day in an elementary school in Auburn, AL, a teacher asks her class if the Auburn Tigers are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Alabama Crimson Tide "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tide fan, my mom is a Tide fan, I guess that makes me a Tide fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Auburn fan."

[D^3]

Q: If you have a car containing a Vol wide receiver, a Vol linebacker, and a Vol defensive back, who is driving the car?

A: The cop


There was a couple who were getting a divorced, so the judge said to the child,“Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?” “No, said the child, “he beats me.”“Do you want to live with your Mom then?” “No, she beats me too”.“Well who do you want to live with?” “I want to live with the Vols” said the little girl, “because they can’t beat anybody.


"I heard Phil Fulmer had his QBs,RBs,and WRs all working in the local bakery during the summer, because he wanted them to get used to turnovers"

[The Ramp]

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i90/MT33/Vols-are-No-1.gif

[D^3]

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Tennessee grad, a Georgia grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Tennessee grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Vols!"

Seeing this, the Georgia grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Bulldogs!" and pushed the Gators fan off the side of the mountain.

[D^3]

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Florida win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

[nellanaesp]

One day in an elementary school in Auburn, AL, a teacher asks her class if the Auburn Tigers are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Alabama Crimson Tide "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tide fan, my mom is a Tide fan, I guess that makes me a Tide fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Auburn fan."
I like that one!

Here's one.

What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?
Visitor.

[D^3]

It was reported that Florida head football coach Urban Meyer will only be dressing twenty players for the Georgia game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

[Sabanocchio]

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Auburn Tiger fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.




Steve Spurrier, after living a full life, died. When
he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They
came to a modest little house with a faded South Carolina flag
in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Steve," said God.

"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up
here."

Steve felt special, indeed, and walked up to his
house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another
house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
with an orange and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole
with an enormous Vols flag, and in every
window, a Smokey towel.
Steve looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to
be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a hall of fame
coach, I hold many coaching records, and I even won a National Championship!"

God said "So what's your point Steve?"

"Well, why does Phillip Fulmer get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Steve, that's not Phil's
house, it's mine."

[D^3]

Q: Do you know why the University of Tennessee football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

[nellanaesp]

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Auburn Tiger fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.




Steve Spurrier, after living a full life, died. When
he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They
came to a modest little house with a faded South Carolina flag
in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Steve," said God.

"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up
here."

Steve felt special, indeed, and walked up to his
house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another
house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
with an orange and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole
with an enormous Vols flag, and in every
window, a Smokey towel.

Steve looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to
be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a hall of fame
coach, I hold many coaching records, and I even won a National Championship!"

God said "So what's your point Steve?"

"Well, why does Phillip Fulmer get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Steve, that's not Phil's
house, it's mine."
Fixed it for ya :thumpsup:

[D^3]

There's an Auburn Grad, a Georgia and a Vandy Grad that all just broke out of jail. They went to hide out in an old animal wharehouse. The Georgia Grad and Vandy Grad each hid in a box and the Auburn Grad hid in a bag. The Police walked in and knocked on the Vandy guys box and the Vandy Grad replied MOO! The police said..Oh, it's just a cow. After knocking on the Georgia Grads box the guy replied OINK, OINK! The police said...Oh, it's just a pig.
The police shook the Auburn Grads bag and the guy said POTATOES!

[D^3]

What does Terry Bowden and Billy Graham have in common?
They both can get 70,000 people jump to their feet and yell "Jesus Christ"

[Sabanocchio]

One day, two University of Georgia students were out turkey hunting for Thanksgiving. One of the students starts having a stroke and he thinks he is dying, and he passes out. The other kid calls the police and says: "Hello, I think my partner here is dead - he isn't moving or anything." The operator replies: "Relax, its okay, go up to him and make sure he is dead." You hear a silence then all of a sudden you hear...BOOM! BOOM! The student comes back on the phone and says: "Okay, I took care of that, what now?"

[D^3]

Q: What the difference between a UT and Rice crispies?

A: Ricecrispies know what to do in a bowl.

[D^3]

A guy at a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a Tennessee joke?
The man turns to him and says, "Now before you tell that joke, just know that I'm 6'2" 200 lbs and a UT grad. The guy next to me is 6'3" 220 and a UT grad, and the guy next to him is 6'5" 240 and a UT grad. You still wanna tell that joke?

"Nah" the guy says, "I don't want to have to explain it 3 times.

[SeattleGamecocks]

Originally heard it for Clemson but I'll change it for the SEC...

A contractor was doing a walkthrough of a house w/ the homeowner. The contractor walks to the window and shouts "Green side up"

He goes back to teh homeowner and they discuss knocking down a wall. He walks back to the window and shouts "Green side up"

He and the homeowner talk about the floors, but he keeps looking out the window and finally walks back to the window again and shouts, "Green side up" Then he turns to the homeowner and says, "sorry for the distraction I have a crew from Auburn over there laying sod."

[gatorhater]

How do you keep Tech players out of your front yard?

Put up goal posts!

[gatorhater]

An oldie, but a goodie...

A Georgia grad and a Florida grad work together in the same office...they happen to meet each other in the men's room. GA grad finishes his business and starts to walk straight out. FL grad says, "At UF, they taught us to wash our hands after we go." GA grad says, "At UGA, they taught us not to piss all over ourselves."

[Noah.Dreams]

It's halftime in Neyland Stadium and a couple of UTK football players are on the sideline admiring Smokey, the bluetick hound mascot.

Suddenly, Smokey stops, hikes his hind leg up in the air and begins to lick his balls. The players continue to watch Smokey intensely, when one finally breaks the silence and says, " I wish I could do that".

Suddenly alarmed, the other player responds, "You'd better not, that dog will bite".

[nellanaesp]

What does Terry Bowden and Billy Graham have in common?
They both can get 70,000 people jump to their feet and yell "Jesus Christ"
I've heard this one except for gamecocks:
What do billy Graham and the Gamecocks have in common? They can both make 85,000 people jump to their feet and yell 'jesus christ'

:laugh: either way it's hilarious!

[gatorhater]

What's the difference between the Swamp and a porcupine?

The porcupine has 75,000 pricks on the outside.

[gatorhater]

What do you call a Tennessee cheerleader w/ 2 brain cells?



Pregnant.

[gatorhater]

Why are there 3 major football schools in Florida?


The pile of crap in Gainesville got so big they had to start 2 more piles.

[gatorhater]

Why does Spurrier have his guys eat Wheaties out of the box?


They can't get close to a bowl.

[GAMECOCK_FAN]

This is for our favorite Arkansas fan (you know who I mean)....

How do Arkansas fans practice safe sex? They get rid of all the animals that kick.

[lacene]

A Tennessee, Florida and Georgia student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Athens. The Tennessee student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!"
The Florida student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!"
Lastly the Georgia student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!"

The next day the Tennessee student finds another hotdog and jumps... the Florida student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Georgia student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Tennessee mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the Florida mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Georgia mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch every day!"

[lacene]

What's the hardest thing about being a Georgia Bulldog fan?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

[lacene]

Two University of Georgia fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Georgia fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Georgia fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Georgia fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Georgia fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

[lacene]

Q: How many Auburn University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

[lacene]

Q: Why don't Arkansas grads use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.

[SeattleGamecocks]

A kid from Georgia enrolled at UGA to make his parents happy but after a week, he called home and said "I want to come home. I think my roommate is gay" His father said that can't be and convinced him to stay.

After a month he called home again and said, "I need to come home. I'm pretty sure my roommate is gay." Again his dad told him to stick it out, that it couldn't be so.

When the kid came home for Thanksgiving and everybody was asking how school was going, he said "I don't like it. I know for a fact that my roommate is gay."

His dad asks, "How are you so certain your roommate is gay"

"Because his d___ tastes like s___"

[gatorhater]

A kid from Georgia enrolled at UGA to make his parents happy but after a week, he called home and said "I want to come home. I think my roommate is gay" His father said that can't be and convinced him to stay.

After a month he called home again and said, "I need to come home. I'm pretty sure my roommate is gay." Again his dad told him to stick it out, that it couldn't be so.

When the kid came home for Thanksgiving and everybody was asking how school was going, he said "I don't like it. I know for a fact that my roommate is gay."

His dad asks, "How are you so certain your roommate is gay"

"Because his d___ tastes like s___"


Hah! This joke hits too close to home...my dorm roomate at UGA came out of the closet to me the 2nd week we were living together. And the dorms at UGA are about the size of a coat closet, so that was quite an awkward rest of the year.

And for the record, I have no idea what his d___ tasted like. (I knew the question was coming...)

[The Ramp]

There once was a Bama fan named BamaPerry

end of joke

[JerryBeeds]

Q: Why doesn't Florida float off into the ocean?

A: Because Georgia sucks.

(Kinda lame I know)

[uscrules]

> Georgia:
>
> The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
> decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into
> his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I
> need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much w ould
> you take off?"
>
>
>
> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
>
>
>
> "Everything but my earrings."
>
>
>
> ************************************************** *************
>
> Alabama:
>
>
>
> A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the
> day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
> weight of an eight-point buck.
>
>
>
> "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
>
>
>
> "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail,"
> the successful hunter replied."
>
>
>
> You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

>
>
>
> "A tough call," nodded the hunter.
>
>
>
> "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
>
> ************************************************** *************
>
> Louisiana:
>
>
>
> A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I
> hope to be in Louisiana."
>
> When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything
> happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized
world.
>
>
> ************************************************** ************
>
> Mississippi:
>
>
>
> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
> buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!"
>
> Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
>
> "The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
>
> ************************************************** ************
>
> Tennessee:
>
>
>
> A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
>
> The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
>
> The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
>
> ************************************************** ************
>
> Arkansas:
>
>
>
> A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road,
and
> proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it.
> Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
> around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
>
> The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
>
> The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
> front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
>
> ************************************************** ************
>
> And my favorite:
>
> You can say what you want about the South,
>
> but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> _____
>
>
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> Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.21.1/1298 - Release Date: 2/25/2008
> 8:45 PM
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> No virus found in this outgoing message.
> Checked by AVG Free Edition.
> Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.21.1/1298 - Release Date: 2/25/2008
> 8:45 PM
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Checked by AVG Free Edition.
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