allaboutavol
09-11-2006, 03:07 PM
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
Harvard.
At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an
engineer
at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure
out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how
The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA
investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester
hours.
At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss
how
much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two
to
buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk
about how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two
to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and
roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent
football team.
At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Planning for the Fall Football Season
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically
different than up
North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here
are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what
dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
Because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see
The few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to
the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for
next
week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of
Southern football!
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
Harvard.
At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an
engineer
at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure
out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how
The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA
investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester
hours.
At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss
how
much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two
to
buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk
about how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two
to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and
roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent
football team.
At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Planning for the Fall Football Season
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically
different than up
North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here
are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what
dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
Because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see
The few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to
the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for
next
week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of
Southern football!