moral dillema

[autiger1126]

:unsure: Say i had a family member who i recently found out has been doing something that would not be approved by the rest of my family. If this news came out, it would probably cause this family member to be looked down upon for the rest of their life. Not to mention that it would cause harm to other people in the family for finding out this info, especially their immediate family. I don't think the info would be found it unless I leaked it. I'm trying to figure out what I should do. Discuss it with my father, confront the person (very awkward), take it to the grave, or what??? This is a serious question and I would like serious answers. I'm very confused.:unsure:

[WayzUp]

Is what this person is doing harmful to him/herself? By that, I mean could it be looked at as self-destructive behavior or perhaps the first rung on the ladder toward something like that or would it just embarrass the rest of your family?

[autiger1126]

it's not physically harmful, but i don't think it's the right thing to be doing

[WayzUp]

In general, I usually try to stay out of other peoples' business but if you're this concerned, you might want to try & find someone as close to that person as you can think of that you can talk to about it but also trust not to go and tell that person the second you part ways. Myself, I'd bring it up to one of my own personal friends who's far removed from the situation to get a feel for what kind of questions/concerns you haven't thought about might come up....they might give you some perspective you haven't thought about that could be useful for if/when you decide to bring it to your Dad or whomever.

Me, if it's something that could affect this person's relationship with the family for years to come or the rest of their life as you say, I wouldn't just sit on it. Especially if what he/she is doing could turn into something that could get them in trouble, hurt their health, etc etc. But that's just me...every family is different, y'know? Good luck...I hate carrying burdens like that for any length of time; especially since it doesn't sound like it should be your burden to be carrying.

[autiger1126]

ya, i've thought about talking to a friend about the situation as well. I'm just not sure how they would respond also. It pretty much would make anyone look differently at my family, but if they are real friends I guess they should be there for me in any way necessary.

[rabidcock]

That's quite a dilemma, autiger, one I have a lot of empathy for. WayZ gave some sound advice, with good reasoning. I do know I would think twice before doing something whereby others would find out, as a lot of people can be highly judgemental.

Perhaps you should point out all these possible negative outcomes with your family member,ie., the likelyhood of others finding out, the possible harm to him/her and the family.

Also, is this something the person may outgrow, or will it lead to more damaging behavior in the future? It's a lot to think about.

[Rebel Mike]

If he's gay, keep it quiet. If he's doing drugs, rat him out, he'll thank you in 20 years. If he's trying to convert to a religion the rest of the family isn't comfortable with, that's his choice and when it comes out he'll deal with it.

If it's none of the above I have no idea..do whatever your heart says.

[blues_cap]

tiger, as uncomfortable as it may, i would confront him/her with it before i confronted anyone else. find out all the details from the horses mouth and bypass the heresay that im assuming got the information to you in the first place. without knowing it, you may not know the whole story.

put yourself in this person's shoes. if someone went above your head before asking you first you probablywouldnt be very happy. the person will respect you more in the end for confronting them and not their parents.

[Jordan]

If it's something that could be physically or emotionally harmful to the family member in question, then it might be helpful in the long run if you confront him/her about it. If it's something that is a matter of personal opinion about something (sexuality, religion, etc), then it's really that family member's business and personal decision. If that's the case, you might still let them know that you care but you'll be supportive of them in whatever their decision may be.

But definitely if it's something harmful in any way to the person, or something that might land them in jail, it would be wise to confront them about it. They may not like you for a while, but it's still better than that person doing something that they'll be paying for down the road.

As sugggested if he/she has a close friend, it might be helpful to talk to that friend about it to get good/close opinion on it.

[autiger1126]

Alright, I'm just gonna tell you the situation, so please don't go judgemental on me or my family, because we aren't in the least like this. I found out that my Aunt, who is like 45 or so, who has been telling us that she travels as a photographer, is actually working at the "bunny ranch." Pretty much legal prostitution.

I don't know if anyone in her family knows, her three children, her husband, her mother, or her two sisters (my mother included). I have no idea about her husband knowing or not, but I would think he would be the only one that knew if anyone knew. Both of my mother and other aunt are emotionally fragile so I don't have any idea how either of them would handle the news and my grandmother is close to the end. Her children aren't the best of kids, but they are trying to do better.

I feel like if I share it with a family member (my father) it would be placing an enormous amount of pressure on him to keep it secret and share that burden with me. Let alone keep the secret from his wife which is a no-no.

Alright, now what say ye?

[SeattleGamecocks]

Sounds like that's between her and her husband. "aint nobody's business but my own" - some old blues lick

[azamugg]

oh child this is none of your business so don't say anything to anyone, period unless you like "Jerry Springer" shows and want to live like those people

On TV this morning there was a talk show about women on the Bunny ranch, is that coincidental to your story?

[autiger1126]

no what channel was it on? also, she wasnt on the HBO series

[autiger1126]

I would also like to add that she's a very normal person, a little weird sometimes, but I never would have thought it.

[Rebel Mike]

In that case man i'd keep quiet. For all you know her husband already knows. In desperate times.. well i'm not going to justify anything. I won't judge your family for the acts of one, (really i wouldnt judge at all) but if that's the worst you've got going on God bless you. I've got two crack head aunts who do the same thing for crack money, but they don't work at a cat house.

[autiger1126]

the worst part about it though would me being the only one that knows. How awkward is it going to be for me to go visit???

[cocky4ever]

Hmmm, thats a pretty awkward situation. If I was going to tell anyone it would be her husband. He is the only one who has the right to know. However, it could have a lasting impact on the family if he didnt, which would be a crappy way for your grandmother to leave her family. If I was going to bring it up to him I would probably wait until she has passed. Definitely a tricky situation to deal with.

Anyway....thats my advice for what its worth.

[WayzUp]

I'd steer clear of that one autiger....to me, that would fall in the "her prerogative" category. Not to metion these 'bunny ranches' are quite safe in terms of screening their clientele (and employees) & she's probably going to make more money than she'll know what to do with in a very short amount of time.

I probably wouldn't exactly be thrilled with the idea of a family member being a "working girl" myself but at least she's doing it in as safe an environment as you can get. If it's not hurting anyone and the only fear is embarrassment to other family members....I don't know that it's anyone's business but hers. And she can walk away from those type places at any time and not fear retribution from her employer. I doubt she'll find many jobs out there that pay as well either....

If you're still worried about it...why not talk to her directly about it. It could very well be that in talking to her and having her tell you her reasoning, you might just come to be happy for her. You never know....me personally, I'm all for the 'whatever makes you happy' movement. :D

[scunyon]

There's been a lot of good advice put out here. There may be some things going on or other information that you are not privvy to that led to this. As much as I hate to say it, sometimes financial troubles will make you do things that you never thought you would. As one Katrina survivor told me after they had to drink the sewage and corpse filled water to survive, "don't ever say what you won't do to live."

I'd just leave it alone and keep the visits short. Sometimes knowing, but not knowing, is the best way to maintain family cohesion. If it needs to be put out there, let her be the one to do it, because it is her business.

[autiger1126]

They aren't in financial troubles or anything like that. Hell, I guess it's possible that they just haven't told us kids, and all the adults know, who knows. I'll probably keep my mouth shut, and try to block that from my memory. Otherwise I'll just be SOL and JWF.