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The Onion Abandons Satire in Favor of Straight Reporting

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jthomas666

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Girl Dating Star Recruit Thrilled To Learn Auburn Athletic Department Hiring


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AUBURN, AL—Explaining that the opportunity is simply too good to pass up, 18-year-old Kendra Howard, who is currently dating one of the country's most coveted high school quarterbacks, expressed her excitement to reporters Friday upon learning of a new employment opening that just happened to become available at Auburn University’s athletic department. “They just approached me out of nowhere, but it’s perfect timing since I’m about to graduate high school and could really use a good job,” said Howard, adding that the 30-hour-a-week salaried position comes with a 401(k) plan and a generous benefits package. “They didn’t really mention what I would be doing, but they said that I’m exactly what they’re looking for and that I’d be a great fit for the position. And the best part is I’ll be on the same campus as Brian once he starts practice in the summer, which is such a lucky coincidence.” Howard added that she is also looking forward to seeing the familiar face of her boyfriend’s high school football coach, who will reportedly be joining the Tigers as their new quality control specialist in the fall.

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JohnRambo

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I've always loved the onion

Superman never made any money

Saving the world from Solomon Grundy

And sometimes I despair the world will never see another man

Like him

Formerly known as bmccall






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