The Cardinals are ing awful. They are Tim Tebow in baseball organization form. They are a church casserole made out of cream of mushroom soup and Minute Rice. They are a horrible family staring at a Norman Rockwell painting of itself. It's no coincidence that sabermetric punching bag David Eckstein spent a few years playing for the Cardinals, because no team in any sport puffs up its grittiness credentials quite like this one.
I don't trust any fanbase that brands itself as being the "best fans in baseball" , nor do I trust any organization that has a way named after it. I love some of ya'll mizzou fans, but I can tell that every ing october they morph into an eight-year-old wearing a propeller beanie and shooting marbles on the living room floor. GOLLY GEE GUYS ISN'T CARDINALS BASEBALL JUST THE BESTEST?!
And whenever any of us talk any sort of ing trash about y'all you always come out and say"Aw, jeepers, why would you say bad things about my beloved Cardinals? We're just a group of cute little puppies with bows on our heads (bats eyelashes)!" It's just unfathomable to them that you would dislike them. They do things the right way! How could you not appreciate that? BARF.
The Cardinals are a giant sucking red hole of good old-fashioned Midwestern piousness, with a fanbase that does "classy" things specifically so that it can humblebrag about doing classy things.
Whenever you win a ing series you are just like "Thanks for the good series, you played your little hearts out!" YOU. I think Yankees fans are horrible people: selfish, arrogant, profane, and miserable all at once. But at least they don't attempt to hide their repulsiveness. At least there isn't this deliberate, "Oh, we're not like those OTHER fans" fakeness that OOZES from the Cardinals and their acolytes. Wanna know who you really are, Cardinals fans? You are this. You are poorly disguised Yankees fans in ugly Christmas sweaters carrying a Jell-O mold to your neighbor's door. And your constant attempts to turn every October into an extended production of Our Town makes me want to hang myself with a extension cord.
St. Louis, the town, is a ing dump. It's not some magical heartland paradise filled with rainbows and ing butterflies. It's a shithole. It's just as troubled and uncivilized as the rest of the country. The Cardinals are a desperate attempt to polish that turd for all it's worth, and I've seen enough of them for this lifetime and the next. LOSE. LOSE BADLY.
8/10 quality rant with plenty of kiffin heads... I got some good laughs too lol
Edited by MizzouMark, 22 October 2013 - 09:31 PM.